Coaxial Chaos

by Watabou

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1.
“Staggering” is the only word I can think of To describe the sensation of re-emergence from such an unfortunately altered state Standing up for the first time in what feels like a the very least a few years And falling right back down before even coming close to drawing my first full breath Every single moment of this experience absolutely with its own unique agony But without external reference, so they all end up kinda blending together And while it it all hurts it’s not fair to call it harsh or unjust Because I know I’d probably be just as territorial If I were some abstract embodiment of existential entropy Or somethin’ By this point I can’t stand the sensation of silence any longer The piercing pallet of subtle ambience ever-so-slightly reminiscent of that apathetic hell And that’s all it really it takes to make a difference When a month ago I spent an entire week as just a simple shell (The entire week as just a shell) Resulting in my body being constantly out of breath Situationally detached from its own physical state As I reach out to make my own first forward steps I’m made to feel like that’s simply a mistake ‘Cuz there’s fingers, needles, nails All heavily compressed together and stabbing at me from the past With power that I never would have given them when they were here in the present Differentiations in time and location are just perceptual idioms though There’s no way you can really plausibly ration out portions of reality like that So if I feel it now I guess that still constitutes real pain from a real place And really the sensations are the only things that really force our step And with my piss-poor track record of sensory interpretation I find it hard to trust anyone who crosses my path Not because they’re not authentic or any shit like that But simply cause that intuition’ s something I’ve always lacked Though in this time more than ever it feels so much more necessary to at least try Cuz like twenty fucking fifteen what a time to be alive Everybody’s problems continuously managing to accelerate and collide And with them and their chaos our mutual love’s miraculously revived And with all the common space these problems will probably occupy It makes sense to keep condensed and maintain reverent understanding Of each other and to rejoice in our resolutions despite The regret I have simply that—
2.
I could not predict Quite the magnitude of my desire To rush right in So Conclusions eluding as to why I'm lost Hoping to regain that love That I once held universally Firstly must set aside, Totally deny Misplaced Mistrust Counting backward to unravel the act of passionate progress, As it's stressed under the weight Of all of the trauma and the dissension thereof Hoping to destroy my love But I can't hate anymore Nothing to hate anymore
3.
Fervently evading home Moving forward by tooth and nail alone Never looking back on it because I know how this goes I’m such a stupid sucker for familiar roads, Even if I have had ample time to grow It’s not like the sentiment is Erased entirely from memory Nourishing resilience necessary For pushing my own boundaries To carry on carrying on Grasping at my own thoughts inside downpours of debris, Climbing metaphorical dust walls just to breathe Trudging through this labyrinth-laden league Scrounging for indicators in the sediment But when it’s time for fight or flight no one’s got time for that As if we can hope to navigate our passage away A proper form of structure will just as strongly attenuate Brimming with exuberance in prospect of this path Despite all the frightening fixtures and foreseen death Simple change in scenery can go a such long way Acting to rejuvenate a heart in disarray, and Keep me looking at the process instead of the deviations Destroying the notions romanticizing vague self-isolation I might be alone in the forest for a while Following a road to places I have never been Though I have an open heart and open mind to others, too I thoroughly miss companionship but know I’d rather find something new Coursing through these Forestal veins Objecting to Relishing in comfortability, really this isn’t for me So instead I Run, I know I’m getting close To something besides what I know Even though I lost my motivation hours ago Maybe then I’ll have something new to show for this hardship But it’s hard to tell I guess I’ll just have hope
4.
Collectively we find our start Stepping forward, gaining ground So full of feeling, so full of heart As long as others remain around Vulnerability also strength Adrenaline at a toxic high Numbers not the only factor But that’s what makes us feel alive Here we go, a mass assemblage for a meaningful cause Every instance of infighting put aside to be resolved Commonality the social cohesion that we have sought The bigger the intentions the greater amount of effort to put All combined actions on the line Our conscious choice to honestly derive Results from our collaborative climb Toward compassion with all of our drive Composite posits compassion Acting to explain our actions Maintaining to stand committed To every word of love we’ve written Every fraction finely maintained Without each other this likely couldn’t function nearly the same Framework of a future plainly Carved in chaos To extend out efforts to those Scarred and those lost Never compromising any Demographic If you’re hear you simply gotta Show compassion The thought times we experience alone Push us down and out till we can’t cope We search for an end and that brings us here No matter the cost we will make this our home The combination of over a hundred years of work combined Distilled and comprehensively re-evaluated and then refined What we spread as a group in no way needs to bear a label to be mine In fact, the concept of ownership over love or labor will be outmoded over time Brought to near irrelevance in order to survive Collectively we reach an end Necessary rest ahead So full of satisfaction now As long as others remain around Our dedication brought us here Despite the power of those we feared Our numbers might have turned the tides What a wonderful time to be alive
5.
Unable to spot the flaws in the assessment of my surroundings No matter how clear They may appear to be, and I know I’m not the only one Stuck with this intensive dissonance beyond repair (the) Only difference being that I’m working to prove that it’s actually there Bringing manmade gaps inside perception of everything that I encounter Viaduct via synaptic void multiple steps in the adverse direction to simply step foot into other concepts of Ways that the world to many is considered to work (considered to work) (Oh) Visual Hallucinations Manifest since we’re all born Fake fortitude in worldly form I’m not afraid [but I’m over-] Whelmed by all of the cognitive deprivation That is all that I can think about now And that’s intense At least to me I’m sure you’re aware of my typical routine I despise going slower than I really have to And I hate when things go right over my Head but it happens when you’re building synaptic Connections And that’s just How it must Happen to come into Existence Through all this Eclectic Blast of plasticity That’s how it has to be Or maybe my dissonant ideals got the best of me And now I’m outward looking in (at least I think that’s what I’m doing) Either way the perspective is quite different But if I truly comprehend, it’s hard to say It’s hard to say
6.
01:35
Remember all your friends Who used to show love Themselves to another But now just fuck around Just bitch their time away No use in playing favorites, 'cause compassion ain't a fuckin' game No use in holding back either, no use in staying here and afraid Afraid of being alone It's bound to happen anywhere that you go Regardless of your social aptitude You'll never totally avoid the lack of interaction that you Hate, and that's not subject to change You're forced to do something or else you'll be forced to remain A lifeless imitation of the points you claim ('Cause you're) Keeping your face down inside of your cellphone Wasting your whole youth idling on Facebook (fuck that) Drinking and shit, I don't wanna hear it's because You're too afraid you'll alienate yourself from The type of networks that will make haste/lay waste To efforts in extending reach past anything outside of these Semi-social social exhibitions (Filled with stagnant inhibitions) In a way that never ends Be with friends
7.
She’s just a gabber punk girl Living in an 808 world and All her friends are former enemies Fought and awed till she couldn’t see anymore See anymore Outwardly owning her identity Clipping kicks and piercing melodies Clearing up any discrepancies ‘Bout her now and about her before Look at that gabber punk girl Writing out all her secrets Full of a million regrets Wishing time could be reset Look at that gabber punk girl Staring at her reflection declaring “I can still overcome this It’s never to late to embrace the change I need And I’m determined to succeed” Look at that gabber punk girl (x8) She’s just a gabber punk girl Living in an 808 world Been hurt a million times Getting hit by shifting divides She’s just a gabber punk girl Living in an 808 world Motivated to get by For others forced to sacrifice Validating something they know That just conflicts with what they’re told Like the gender they were assigned Or that their passion wastes their time And while she’s struggling herself To figure out direction still She’ll never fail to lend a hand If she’s around and there to give If only that were all that mattered A single voice in a deadly violent storm It’s something, sure, it influences us for better We’ve got to act more collectively to achieve real reform Look at that gabber punk girl No longer hung up on regrets Vocalizing her protest Fighting for common interests Look at that gabber punk girl Going for her ambitions Identical to me in that I am just her reflection Thinking about what could be Never should feel the same As bringing dreams to fruition So then others can exclaim Look at that gabber punk girl (x4)
8.
Don’t hold back your words Don’t regret your feelings now Don’t let your thoughts disperse Excessive movement and emotion are all that I need To redirect my efforts to help someone besides me Still push past all these barriers whether or not we believe The outcome of our actions will happen realistically ‘Cause Here I am on the upswing Clarifying my meanings Artificially breathing writing words and Knowing that I’ll come crashing But till then I’ll be singing Bada ba ba bada ba Bada ba ba bada ba I’m reemerging from bad dreams and waking up To a scary existence full of so much potential That’s always been the case And maybe it still means nothing I won’t know till I’m asleep and Either way I’ll fall asleep Eventually I know I’ll fall off the grid again I’m under no delusion this will last forever Twisting and turning I’ll still ride this spiral ’till the end Upward and outward, over and over again I’ll readdress all the missteps I’m aware of No one may know the difference But it’s still insufficient Just to let all the damage That I’ve done Remain Splitting off at the end now Fortifying in two ways Trying to keep the pace up Movement giving me malaise Emotion causing distress Not sure about how I’m feeling Thinking twice before speaking What the fuck am I thinking Now, do I remember how to sustain these motions any longer? Could this ever be an active task, something within my conscious grasp? Or am I grasping at straws when I should be attentive to the task that I Hoped would act as incentive to keep on moving forward and keep singing this Damn (Bada ba ba bada ba) Song (Bada ba ba bada ba) Now when it’s difficult I have to remember the agony Of the stagnation I found myself stuck with once I admitted defeat I won’t admit defeat again Upward and outward Keeping the pace up Bada Ba Ba Bada Ba Bada Ba Ba Bada Ba
9.
With energy spent I’m slowed down to a crawl No way to give back, my reaction is dulled Unpreparedness is making me visibly sick And I rationalize being rash will assist Dense and deflective, I strike at the core Attacks ineffective and confidence torn Condensed into chaos with vision obscured Nobody to save me, I wish I had learned To focus on the task at hand I’m in a sea of endeavors and can hardly swim The water’s always heavier than I remember Than when I last was here Caught off-guard, bereft of intuition Blatantly jaded to abrupt motion Opponents notice my open weakness and Strike Frustrated and fixed on absolution Through wavering faith and self-suspicion On track to collapse in the tragedy of this Sidestory Is this a failure of ego or is it the ego that brought me to this place It’s hard to tell when I’m still so wrapped up my own daze Running myself in the ground when I have already found this technique to just push me back Instead I should be working on restoring what I lack If that has overlap with anything else that my direction incessantly requires Cuz if reproach and reclaim are a one-off then maybe I should sit and think about this one a while Feeling the pressure because it’s still there Wont leave me alone ’til I finally fall The former outcome was so bleak, I’m aware It couldn’t be broken or dented at all These battles grow longer and block bigger paths With longer engagements resulting from them and As much as my let my identity hinge on this Conflict can never define who I am We all come to know these cruel defeats With monstrous battles we perpetuate Within our own lives and against ourselves This kind of self-conflict creates our own hell While moving straight forward is what it’s about The significance obviously paramount It’s also important to know when to leave To let this live on as a tragic sidestory At a million miles per hours, my continuation of this is something I regret Looking for answers beyond what I’m capable of believing Knowingly going against my own movements in desperate attempts to attack once again Held at the whim of my manic emotions I strike and hope it hits Hope it hits This tragic sidestory gets more tragic Faced with what I know was more that anything I’ve faced before I rushed right in and nearly met an early end to this It’s so important to know the difference between your conflicts as they stand in the moment No reason to obsess over minimal contests that will benefit nothing besides your conscious desire And in the same way focus on all the moments that really require More attention than tasks that appear in your trajectory as minimal victories and eventually evoke The viral interest that in turn will create these tragic sidestories The viral interest that in turn will create these tragic sidestories
10.
Ever felt like you were trapped in a dream? Surrounded by Things that just make sense to everyone else But feel way too weird to talk about aloud Loosely understanding That this can't be right Vividly recounting Last night in a dream I killed a man He was innocent so I ran away, hid the best I could to no avail I was with a friend, we were both scared Neither of us wanted to be there We came to our senses but nothing had changed about Where we still stood in guilt nor law This was our hell But the landscape was so beautiful that night What peculiar juxtaposition Straightforward contravention on my mind With the wind blowing beneath iridescent light The burden of guilt of a dreamed-up death still mine The desert landscape here teeming with life Circumstantially all my efforts to affirm my sincerity seriously fall shy Progressing moment by moment into such unsustainable peculiarity Wake up and look around to see no sign of desert or no dead body by my side (No dead body by my side) Renewing my sincerity, enhancing my clarity and comprehension of my (Comprehension of my) Cognitive lapse and the affected actions that lend to explaining why (Explaining why) It seems to me when I’m trapped in a dream, chaotic will always arise But now that’s past and now I understand That struggle supersedes action Absolute outcome unpredictable Until disorder overflows Energy’s finite, but I still feel fine But that means I’ve got to decide In dreams and in life where do I go? I’m such phantasmagoraphobe Images with blinding speed dart At me in sequence I hope that this is just another dream because I don’t recall Letting my impulses take control of me that soon after creating A resolve To better accept where I am And the abilities I have As a basis for taking Back what I have given myself blindly When I didn’t deserve it then I’ll reclaim the Points of my youth I never even knew had a purpose Other than forcing me to choose a side Every decision strengthening divides Internal injuries inflicted by Conflicting opinions that don’t matter They don't matter But they still exist So I’ll retract the damage that they did It won’t be easy But nothing good is I resolve to overcome being this Putrid somnambulist
11.
Rotating forward, jaded motions taking over Falling hard and accruing cynical stimulation from impact Escaping when I can escape from chaos that permeates Spending that time by monitoring my own heartbeat in my messy bed Anxious about existence with nauseating thoughts about myself In definition and practice of what it means to be alive Using scarce resources to ruminate upon reasons why Time spent fending for my life isn’t considered a waste of time Parasitic workhorse thoroughly poisoning myself To retain abhorrence and dissatisfaction with my current situation Insofar as I hope to reproach and pass my faults and failures Insofar as I hope to cut through my well established material fixations And I know it feels hopeless when it isn’t necessarily so Back and forth mechanical movements barring standard cognitive flow In the context of exhaustion, I only ever feel something Once in a while and I clench with deathly grips to keep it close The past few years I’ve been working to overcome and to proceed Getting lost inside myself and inside my mortality Lately I’ve been looking back at those trying times romantically What a frustrating result that I really don’t need (I really don’t need) I never would have thought I would feel this way about leaving It’s true all my friends are here but I know that they understand All the promises of resolution I gave to myself And now I look longingly at that place again That fucking place again All my attempts to bar my feelings Result in repressed desire And when those feelings are for something deadly They have to be denied But it isn’t just that easy If it was this wouldn’t cause so much pain Every day I fixate on Finding new relief The embarrassment is nothing I’m not hurt by misdirected hate Just lacking of constructing And helping create A better world then what we’ve got It’s something that we all can do We’ve got our minds and those suffice So I’ve gotta just get through and Reject Excessive chaos Then accept Things will never be perfect, but that’s so beautiful Much more so Than indulging this comfortability But as we can see that’s not my forte Which indeed complicates Getting through that miasmic state Without losing faith Finally I’m free From all the uncertainty That I indulged unknowingly So why the hell Am I look back to that There’s so much forward movement still to go Until I really know Because this chaos might cause tragedy but that’s still no excuse for never living at all Pacified existence to avoid your obligations to at the very least yourself That being maintenance of the world that you have the luxury of calling home Even if you feel hate you’re fueling it with its surface and air and in that way you’re never truly alone Even though those times were bleak I hope you know what they meant to me When I was destroyed and could hardly speak I hope you know what that meant to me The tragedies that run so deep I hope you know what they meant to me Their chaos eventually peaks I hope you know what that means to me (x3) Even though those times were bleak and hopeless I hope you know what they meant to me When I felt tired and empty and absolutely destroyed to the point where could hardly speak I hope you know what that meant to me The tragedies that course through my fucking veins and that run so goddamn deep I hope you know what they meant to me Their chaos eventually peaks and subsides and gives room for you to make your move against it I hope you know what that means to me Because we refuse to be compromised What a fucking time to be alive I refuse to be compromised What a time to be alive What a time to be alive What a time to be alive

about

Coaxial Chaos was written and recorded years before it was finally able to reach release. Because of the delay, a lot of the views and circumstances expressed throughout this release are more reflective and indicative of struggles that existed for myself and the others around me in 2014/2015 instead of being active obstacles in my everyday life. Though some topics I mention are absolutely cyclical and others are systematic problems, so despite this not being a super contemporary evaluation, there is still a lot to be said that may help to hear.

There was a certain level of intense connectivity to my life situation that allowed me to create this record; a consistent fight against misery with everyone I knew alongside me that bred the inspiration for every single one of these tracks. Since the record’s completion, I’ve taken a lot of time to reflect on the thoughts, actions, events, and people present in my life around this point to try and best articulate the meaning and intention behind each idea, as well as to hopefully inspire you if you are in a similar situation to the one I was. It is intriguing to look into how much certain things have changed and how others have been cyclical occurrences. Revisiting and completing this record and accompaniment has given me countless amounts of insight as to what I hope to accomplish through sharing my work with the world, and as I continue to create I hope to better connect with you and hopefully we find ourselves in a situation to continuously inspire and motivate each other to fully express ourselves as an act of becoming and better ourselves as an ultimate act of self-expression. My love is with you always and I hope that to you this album means even a tiny fraction of what sharing it with you means to me.

credits

released March 1, 2019

Watabou is currently the solo project of Rebekah Riott

All tracks written by Watabou, with significant creative ideas contributed (where signified) by Matthew “m@ the c@“ Morden and Chris “Ruckus” Campbell, between September 2013 and March 2015.

Vocal and Synth Recording by Matthew Morden in a Mid-Michigan forest

Guitar Recording by Bob Chamberlain in Pittsburgh, PA

Mixing by Rebekah Riott, Erik Smith, and Matthew Morden

Mastering by Brad Boatright at Audioseige in Portland, OR

Album Artwork by Logan Schmitt of Logan Schmitt Illustration in Columbus, OH

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Watabou Ann Arbor, Michigan

Watabou is the amalgamation of extensive electronic programming, punishing physical externalization, subconscious realization, and constructive manipulation of myself and my art. It is the peak of my artistic externalization and I hope you understand and enjoy it for what it is. ... more

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